Saturday, August 8, 2015

Sleeping, to me, it seems is overrated. A thought keeps going through my head. At what point does the love of your life stop being your best friend, your lover, your confidant, your fantasy, the one that keeps you from sinking into depression or down right insanity. I used to tell him everything and nothing at the same time. When I was upset he would make me laugh. We couldn't keep our hands off each other for more than a couple minutes. I could tell him my hopes and wishes and they used to be the same as his. If something was overwhelming me he would give me the strength and courage to overcome it with just a look or a slight touch or a word of encouragement. Out of love, respect, and admiration I tried to do the same for him. For whatever reason, things changed. We suddenly became cold and bitter to each other. We used to look at each other and see pride, and love, and passion, and lust. Now we only see each others flaws and things we wished would change into or back to. I have to coax him into making love or to even just touch me or say a kind word. I find myself trying to get back at him for hurting my feelings or doing something he knows makes things hard on me. It's become an eye for an eye. What has happened to us. We used to be so sure we were going to grow old with each other. Now I'm feeling doubts about what will happen in the future. Why is he becoming so distant. What did I do. I  lost weight, tried to get some sort of figure back since having kids. Tried to make myself more desirable in his eyes. It seems to be getting worse. I've become desperate for his touch, his once loving looks, that are now daggers, his affection. I'm losing him to something. I'm sure it's not another woman. I'm losing him to solitude, his freedom of responsibility, his ability to do what he wants without have to make sure there is someone to watch the kids if I'm working, not having to fix something that breaks, only having to take care of himself. I have tried many ways to talk to him. I've been nice, I've dropped hints, become blunt, and just plain mean. What more can I do aside from just letting go? Why would he enter into this life knowing what it entails? How can he just decide to shut down when we need him so much. It's not just me he is leaving. Are we that much of a burden? Has he become so dissatisfied with me it's worth leaving?